


“The other Lancelot – my Lancelot – James.”

by Slenderlof



Category: Kingsman: The Secret Service (2015)
Genre: Depression and suicidal thoughts TW, James Dies, M/M, smoking tw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-01
Updated: 2015-07-01
Packaged: 2018-04-07 05:03:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,612
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4250388
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Slenderlof/pseuds/Slenderlof
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eggsy confronts Percival about how he dances around the name Lancelot, Percival can't function without James, and it's just too much for him to think about.</p>
            </blockquote>





	“The other Lancelot – my Lancelot – James.”

**Author's Note:**

> Firstly : I'm so sorry!  
> Secondly : As always, feedback is welcome!  
> Thirdly : A HUGE thanks to my Beta reader Dolly-Bassett (http://dolly-bassett.tumblr.com/) for her editing skills - she got rid of so many of my fuck ups and we should all love her!

“I'll be waiting at HQ when you two get back, see you soon boys.” Roxy's voice crackled a little over the comms – no doubt from signal problems since Eggsy and Percival were currently on a plane flying across the Mediterranean sea. They'd just finished a quick mission in Egypt; someone on the black market back in London was selling old Egyptian relics that he shouldn't be able to get his hands on; turns out, they had a inside dealer at the Grand Egyptian Museum. It had been a fairly easy mission all in all - in, tracked the thief down, arrested them, dropped them off at the police station and then back home again in time for Russell Howard's Good News. 

“Goodbye Roxy.” Percival said in a controlled voice. The feed cut off and Eggsy removed his glasses; putting them carefully on the table so they wouldn't get damaged. Percival kept his on – mind, Eggsy had never seen him without them before – so Eggsy guessed he actually did have bad eyesight of some degree. 

Another thought crossed Eggsy's mind, and he frowned. Percival had just called her Roxy again. He never seemed to call her Lancelot, no matter what the situation. It was the only rule Eggsy could remember Percival breaking more than once. 

“Alastair?” Eggsy asked, measuring the lingering tension in the room carefully as he broke their silence. 

Percival had been staring out the window, resting his face on his fist and completely lost in thought. The older knight made a vague 'hm' sound and slowly tore his face away from watching the clouds, eyes flicking over to Eggsy as Percival moved his hand from his cheek to put them both in his own lap. 

“What's the deal wi' Rox? I mean, you never call 'er Lancelot 'n that.” Eggsy noticed an instant change in the atmosphere as soon as he finished his sentence. Percival sat up a little straighter and shifted uncomfortably, adjusting how he was sat to curl in on himself slightly. 

“It's really none of your concern Eggsy, and I'd rather not talk about it.” Percival said coldly, fidgeting and blinking just a bit too fast to be normal. He looked uncomfortable at broaching the question, biting the inside of his cheek and looking away from Eggsy and back out the plane window. Eggsy frowned, growing more annoyed at Percival's attempt to just blow it off. 

“Nah mate, I'm dead serious right? I wanna know why.” Eggsy pressed, leaning forwards in his chair and bracing his hands against his knees, legs spread far apart. Percival's eyes flickered back over to Eggsy, watering slightly as his hands played nervously with the bottom of his pristine blue suit jacket. 

“Eggsy, please.” Percival muttered. His voice broke at 'please' and he coughed in the back of his throat, blinking rapidly again and looking upwards, clearly fighting back tears. Percival was successful and carried on. “Please - don't make me talk about this.” 

“Sorry bruv.” Eggsy replied, tilting his head to the side and shrugging his shoulders. “I wanna know.” Eggsy could tell Percival was getting very upset very fast, but he assumed it was because he was being called out for his behaviour. 

Percival got teary a lot. Merlin always told Eggsy to just ignore it, the few times he had witnessed it. Eggsy remembered the first time he had seen Percival cry – they'd gotten back from V-day and he was waiting as the plane arrived. As soon as it landed he had taken one look at them and burst into tears, shaking into Merlin's shoulder. After that, Eggsy had only really met him in meetings or the passing, but he'd seen Percival cry more times than the other knights combined. On one memorable occasion, he'd had a breakdown sobbing when one of his suits got ruined – something about it having been 'from him'. Whoever he was.

When Percival didn't reply to him, Eggsy moved to the edge of his seat, getting slightly agitated at the silence the older knight was giving him. 

“C'mon bruv, what's your fuckin problem?” Eggsy said harshly, glowering at Percival and talking with a bite to his words, emphasising 'what' in a almost snide voice. Something seemed to just snap inside Percival, and he rushed forwards in his seat. 

“Because I can't!” Percival's voice broke again and he muffled a sob, shoving his head in his gloved hands and bending at the waist, burying his head on top of his legs and whimpering like a small child who had lost their mother in a crowd. 

Eggsy didn't say anything or react, not sure exactly what he was expected to do. Whenever he cried, Merlin took him away without another word.

“You just- you don't understand.” Percival mumbled, the sound cushioned by mounds of fabric and his own body. Eggsy felt a small flutter of anger flare up again. He wasn't a trainee or some stupid kid for fucks sake! He'd lost so much in his life, his dad, his childhood, but of course he wouldn't get it.

“Then 'elp me to, cause from 'ere it looks like you're just a posh wanker.” Eggsy replied, eyes burning a hole into the back of Percival's head. Percival gave a few more pathetic snivels and lifted his head up, wiping hard under his eyes with his hands and pulling his pocket square out, drying them. They were red and puffy; it was clear Percival was still fighting the urge to cry some more.

“The other Lancelot – my Lancelot – James.” Percival corrected himself on the names over and over as he spoke, trying to phrase it right. “He wasn't just my colleague.” Eggsy's curiosity spiked. Percival was a very private man, and Eggsy hadn't heard anything about him from the others or from the man himself. All he really knew about Percival is that he elected Roxy, and was on meds for depression. Eggsy nodded at Percival to encourage him to continue. 

“He was my, uh, my partner.” Percival sniffled again and dabbed at his eyes with the handkerchief. He was obviously struggling to talk about this, Eggsy could tell. After a beat of silence it registered in Eggsy's head just what kind of partner Percival meant. 

“Wot, you two were datin'?” Eggsy asked bluntly. Percival let out a watery chuckle, nodding his head and sniffing, eyes looking at the handkerchief in his hands as he fidgeted with it. 

“Kind of, yes. We were together for 17 years, married for 14.” Percival's voice was still quiet, and he moved from playing with the fabric to playing with a small silver band on his wedding finger. Eggsy had never really asked about it, assuming Percival had a girl in London somewhere. The fact that he was gay was new, as was the fact he had been with the old Lancelot. Eggsy was stunned, silent in his sudden knowledge. 

“You've got to understand Eggsy, James was the first and only love of my life. To imagine my niece Roxy carrying the same title, the same risks, replacing him. I just can't bear the thought.” Percival ploughed on, as if trying to get as much of it off his chest now it was possible. 

Eggsy nodded, voice coming back to him as Percival fell silent again. “You don't wanna see 'er gettin hurt.” 

Percival nodded, biting his lip and blinking fast, leaning his head back to try and stop the tears that were re-forming. “So why'd you propose 'er?” Eggsy asked. Percival sighed, looking back down at the handkerchief and breathing deeply to calm himself. 

“She asked me to, and it's what James would have wanted. He always said he wanted his own blood to replace him, and Roxy was as good as that to him.” Percival took a long breath and breathed out through his nose, shoving the balled-up pocket square into his trouser pocket and standing. He didn't bother smoothing down his suit, just stretched, rolling his head on his shoulders. 

“Eggsy, losing James destroyed me. If I lose Roxy as well...” Perciva paused, unsure of his words, before bluntly saying. “Well, I'm as good as dead.” 

With that, Percival walked across the plane in only three long strides, fumbling in a drawer before pulling out a cigarette packet and slamming the drawer shut again with his knee, going back to his seat and sinking into it. Percival opened the packet and span it around expertly in one hand to offer a fag to Eggsy, the other hand in his pocket searching for something. 

Eggsy looked around the plane before taking one. “S'it even 'kay to smoke in 'ere?” Eggsy asked critically, eyeing the windows warily. Percival shrugged and pulled out a lighter, lighting the tip of his cigarette and taking a long drag, breathing out the smoke slowly so it curled as it rose and holding the flame out to Eggsy. 

“I don't see why not, the air's on a circularity system so it doesn't really matter. Besides, everyone did it in the '80s.” Percival replied, leaning back and inhaling, again breathing out in a almost seductive way. The smoke curled and twisted around Percival's face as he closed his eyes. Eggsy lit his cigarette and paid little attention to his own smoking, distracted by watching Percival, worried he'd break down again at any moment. After a few more draws, Percival sighed and opened his eyes, meeting Eggsy's worried gaze head on.

“Whatever you want to ask, do it now; your staring is making me uncomfortable.” Percival said with a still unsteady voice, raising a eyebrow critically. Eggsy quickly looked away for a second, but his eyes soon found their way back to Percival as curiosity got the better of him.

“What does Merlin do when you cry?” Eggsy asked the first question that popped into his head.

Percival took another drag, moving the cigarette away from his mouth and looking at it, studying it like Merlin looked at destroyed tech he got back. His eyes didn't focus entirely, like he was seeing something in the smoke. 

“It depends on the situation. Usually he takes me somewhere to have a cup of tea and fag. Sometimes a scotch if it's called for.” He didn't mention the suicide watch Merlin would place him under, the constant eye watching him after every breakdown or the meds Merlin slipped into said drinks. There was silence for a moment before Percival let out an almost sadistic kind of chuckle.

“You know, James used to lecture me about these. He used to tell me I'd kill myself with them one day. Cruel irony, huh?” Percival muttered, still staring at the cigarette like it was't actually there. He leant back and took another puff, Eggsy doing the same.

Eggsy was at a loss how to reply to that, so he decided to just ask a different question instead. Keep him talking, try and distract Percival from whatever else he might be thinking of. 

“So you two were hitched for, wot wazzit, 13 years?” Eggsy asked. Percival looked at Eggsy over the top of his glasses and shook his head. 

“14.” Percival corrected him, eyes flicking down briefly to his wedding ring. A small smile turned up the corner of Percival's lip. It was a sad smile, and Eggsy's heart tore a little bit for the man sat opposite him.

“Didn't even know gay marriage was legal then.” Eggsy asked. He remembered waiting up until midnight at the pub with Jamal when it became legal in England, celebrating. Percival raised a eyebrow and switched his hold on his cigarette since it was nearly down to the filter.

“Netherlands legalised it first in 2001. James proposed the day after it was legalised over there.” Percival's smile was more fond this time, and his eyes glazed a little at the thought of James proposing. Eggsy noted how Percival relaxed a little at the happy memory, and decided to press on with it. 

“Funny, thought you'da proposed. All proper n that in some fancy restaurant or summin.” Eggsy said. Percival's lip quirked up slightly, and Eggsy counted that was a win. Percival reached forwards and pulled a scotch glass out of the side panel, dropping his cigarette butt into it and placing the glass between himself and Eggsy on the wooden side panels of the plane. 

“Quite the contrary actually. James took me to the National Gallery and proposed right in front of Vincent Van Gogh's sunflowers.” Percival's smile grew sadder once more, lips turning down at the corners as they wobbled. He stared straight past Eggsy, reminiscing something that brought near tears to his eyes. 

“It used to be my favourite painting. James had always hated museums, but he knew it would make me happy.” Percival started to full on cry again, this time letting the tears roll down his face without trying to hide them. He looked so upset, so heart-broken. Eggsy thought of his mother first finding out about his dad's death – that was nothing compared to the heart-shattering Percival in front of him. 

“We had a copy of it at home. I burnt it after he died, can't stand the sight of that godforsaken painting anymore.” Percival admitted quietly. 

They sat in silence for a minute, Percival crying his heart out while Eggsy tried to think of what the hell to do. Percival was clearly so damn in love with James – even after his death. After a minute Percival cleared his throat, voice still wobbly when he spoke. He leaned back a little, drawing himself up to a full height and making a stab at controlling his breathing, set on saying what was going on in his head.

“James' death destroyed me. Every second without him, every single fucking breath without him – hurts. It hurts so much. This depression, it's like a weight crushing down on me that never lets up. I can't live like this Eggsy, I just can't.” 

He broke off into louder crying, and Eggsy reached across the gap between them hesitantly, placing a hand on Percival's knee to try and calm him down as his breaths became more and more like gasps with each passing moment. 

“I-I can't function without him, I'm not right any more – I can't be there for Roxy, not like she needs me to be. Promise me - you'll take care of her Eggsy.” Percival looked up and met Eggsy's eyes with his own red-rimmed ones. Eggsy felt his own eyes prickle, a tear rolling down his cheek at the vulnerable man sat opposite him. 

“Yeah. Fuck, yeah, I promise.” Eggsy promised. Percival blinked and gave a watery smile, putting his hand on top of Eggsy's. 

“Thank you.” 

With that, Percival retreated back in his seat, away from Eggsy's reach. He brought his knees up to his chest and buried his head in them, sobbing. Eggsy watched him for a second, looking so pitiful and small, before realising he couldn't watch Percival fall apart. He just couldn't; it was painful. Eggsy got up and walked away into the cockpit, leaving Percival to his own privacy. 

When he heard the door click shut, Percival lifted his head a little to see if Eggsy had actually left the room. As he did so, his eyes lingered on the gun across the room; fingers itching to reach out for it and stop this insufferable pain.

He would've too. If he'd had the strength to get up and walk the two meters over to it. 

Oh well, Percival thought, closing his eyes. One day the gun wouldn't be so far away. Maybe then the screaming in his head would stop once and for all.


End file.
